Things Adults Learn From Kids:

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Those Who Don't Know

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

George Carlin: I'm a BAD American

George Carlin Speaks Out...
I am your worst nightmare. I am a BAD American.  I am George Carlin.  I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.  I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.  I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.  I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.  I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.  I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.  I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches.  And where does he get his money.  And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.  I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.  I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. 
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.  I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.  I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.  I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.  My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.I don't hate the rich.  I don't pity the poor.  I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.  I think global warming is a big lie.  Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?  I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.  I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.  I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.  I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.  I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.  I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.  I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.  If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.  If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.  We need our country back!