Real Advertisements - 5

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

• Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting - off - head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Bumper Stickers

• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• A penny saved is ridiculous.
• All that glitters has a high refractive index.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Anarchy is better than no government at all.
• Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
• Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

65 Bumper Stickers

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed… blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha.
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
30.  I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
40. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
41. Ax Me About Ebonics.
42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
43. Boldly Going Nowhere.
44. Cat: The Other White Meat.
45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
47. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
52. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
56.  Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
60. So you're a feminist…I sn't that precious.
61. I need someone really bad… Are you really bad?
62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.