Football Playing Vampires

Q: What do vampire footballers have at half times?
A: Blood oranges!

Good News and Bad News

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's... there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago." "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"

The Bowl of Chili

Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadn't stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry.  He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.  The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what he'll have and he looks at that chili and says, "Lady, I am starving and that chili looks good, I'll have that."  The waitress goes off and comes back with the trucker's steamy bowl of chili and  he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, "hey, I'm still kind of hungry, if you're not gonna eat that, may I?".  So the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.
Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and there's this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker says, "yep, that's as far as I got, too!"