Sideline Coach

A junior soccer team is playing a match one Sunday. Just before the kick-off the team coach approaches one of his young players. “Do you understand that you mustn’t swear at the ref if he gives you a card and you mustn’t attack an opponent if he fouls you?” “Yes,” replies the boy. “Good,” says the coach. “Now go and explain that to your mother.”

Proper Burial

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

Cover up Gone Wrong

Peter buys a cheap vase for his mom’s birthday but accidentally smashes it before he can give it to her. He has an idea. He wraps the vase in gift wrap, puts it in a box and mails it to her – this way he’ll be able to blame the breakage on the postal service. His mom calls the next day, thanks him for the vase but tells him it arrived broken. “Oh dear,” says Peter. “That’s a pity.” “Yes, it is,” replies his mom. “But it was kind of you to wrap each piece individually.”