Tomato Soup

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Sideline Coach

A junior soccer team is playing a match one Sunday. Just before the kick-off the team coach approaches one of his young players. “Do you understand that you mustn’t swear at the ref if he gives you a card and you mustn’t attack an opponent if he fouls you?” “Yes,” replies the boy. “Good,” says the coach. “Now go and explain that to your mother.”

Proper Burial

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.