Every Time

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you everytime!"

Wise Lady

My grandma always told me "Never share needles"
She was very possessive when it came to knitting

Cup of Coffee

There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make her a cup of coffee in the morning. So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died instantly. He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there. While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that soldier in there, of course, the first question is "why". The kid answered, "Grandma always said, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'!"