I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

What is a Stable?

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.  When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.  
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo!"

Better Parents

Two boys argue over whose parents are better. The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad." The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom." The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."