How did I get here?

A little girl asked her mother how she got here. Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

Motherisms!

• My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about."
• "If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me!" Variation: "Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me!"
• "If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!"
• "You always find things in the last place you look."
• "Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way."
• "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....
• "I want you to go find something for me to spank you with."
• Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains! He's your son!"
• "I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."
• "What were you thinking of?" "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING. Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!
• Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!
• Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?
• Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own!
• You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded!
• Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why.
• You're grounded.
• Just do it, or else.
• Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)
• If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!
• (At dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it! Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"
• Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......
• You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinner
• ONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!
• When you get married and have kids you'll understand.
• Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.
• No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer.
• "Hey" is for horses.
• If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with.
• Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all.
• Let me kiss it and make it better.
• [your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!
• Carrots are good for your eyes.
• But Popeye eats all his spinach!
• Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)! Eat all your dinner or no dessert.
• You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!!
• Go to your room and don't come out until I say so.
• I'm very disappointed in you.
• I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.
• No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it.
• Kootchie coo!
• Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good!
• Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks.
• Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH!
• Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug?
• I'm going to count to three...
• Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!
• It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)
• No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!
• NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?
• God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.
• What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)
• Sit up straight.
• I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..What is it, Halloween?
• Eat your beets.
• Of course you're going to church.
• You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain.
• Stop slouching.
• If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)
• Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely.
• Do you know what happened to all the cookies?
• Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes!
• I don't know how you can read/watch that trash.
• In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody.
• Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm!
• The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you!
• You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him!
• If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya!
• Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes.
• (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.)
• I'll tuck you in in just a second.
• Stop running in the house!
• Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess!
• Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.
• Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)
• Hang up your clothes!
• Your father is a busy man.
• Take out the trash.
• What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for??
• Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street.
• Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store.
• Say You're sorry.
• Put it back.
• Put that down.
• Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail.
• Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good!
• When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents.
• Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you.
• What's for dinner? - It's a surprise!
• Why didn't you go before we got in the car?
• I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one!
• No, and that's final!
• One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble.
• Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute.
• I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how.
• Stop bugging your little sister.
• What do you say?/What's the magic word?
• Say "excuse me".
• Eat your peas.
• There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)
• Half begun is half done.
• Don't lie to me young man/lady!
• Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV!
• What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?
• Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.
• No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen! (Moral: don't ask!)
• That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one.
• Purple's not your color, you look sallow.
• Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!
• Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like that.
• Stand up straight and stop slouching.
• A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone.
• Save a lot, spend a little.
• Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out.
• We worried sick!
• What will the neighbors think?
• What did you DO until 4 AM?"
• Is having a good time all you think about?
• You're no child of mine!!!
• Well...What seems to be the problem with you?
• I'm really worried about your grades!
• I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it!
• There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you!
• Where did we go wrong?
• "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!"
• Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed!
• You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body!
• I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) / Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't.
• This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen!
• Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here!
• Do you know how many HOURS I was in labor with you?
• I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.
• Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!
• Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities)
• Are you really going to wear that?
• I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them.
• Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes.
• You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.
• When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal
• It's always fun until somebody gets hurt.
• You kid, whatever your name is!
• The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.
• Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window.
• Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF!
• I hate computers.
• Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by.
• You did WHAT!
• "Go tell your father he wants you now."
• "I don't want to wash my hands.." "Okay, only wash one of them"
• [In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."
• There'll be tears before bedtime!
• When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!!
• Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
• Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
• You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better?
• How could you be so stupid?
• If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
• You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
• If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
• When are you going to grow up?
• I'm only doing this for your own good.
• Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
• What's wrong with you?
• Someday you'll thank me for this.
• If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so.
• Are you lying, or are you just stupid?
• Well, you've ruined everything.
• Now are you happy?
• I'm only doing this because I love you.
• In my day we didn't have money to throw around.
• We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.
• Does it look like I'm made of money?
• Money doesn't grow on trees you know.
• If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.
• That's not music; that's just NOISE!
• "Shut your mouth and eat."
• (Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it."
• I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!

Slippers

Paddy broke his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin'?" Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"