Guinness Tragedy

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'  to tell ya."  "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?"  "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."  "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."  Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"  "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."  "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"  "Well, no Brenda, no."  "No?"  "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

An Amish Offense

Q: What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop?
A: An 'Amish' drive-by shooting

German Birth Control

Q: What do Germans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities!