Aussies and Kiwi

Q: Why are Australians like kiwifruit?
A: Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside and too many of them will give you the shits!

Missionary's Lessons

A missionary has spent years teaching agriculture and "civilization" to some people in a distant land. One day, he wants to start teaching them English. So he takes the leader and points at a tree. "Tree." "Tree." He points to a rock. "Rock." "Rock." All of a sudden, they come upon two people having sex in the bushes. Embarrassed, the missionary blurts out that they are "riding a bike." Then the leader pulls out his blow gun and shoots the two people. "What!" yells the missionary. "I've spent all this time civilizing you, and you turn around and do this!" "My bike!"

Toronto Top Ten

1. You live in the center of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist.
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city.
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house.
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein.