Preparing for a Mammogram

A mammogram is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:
1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.
2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.
3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

Leper's Valentine

Q: How can you tell if a Valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Olympic Twist

An elderly Japanese man visiting Rio for the Olympics was having eye trouble.  He went to a Brazilian eye doctor to get some relief. The optometrist said to the man, "Sir, I believe you have a cataract." "Oh, no" replied the Japanese man. "I dwive a Rincon Continentaw."