Nuts

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed. The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"

Hawking Blue Screen

Q: What did Stephen Hawking say after his computer crashed?
A: Nothing.

Disabled Sea Captain

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"
"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."
"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"
"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber."
"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"
"Seagull droppings," says the Captain.
"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."
"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."