Hawking Blue Screen

Q: What did Stephen Hawking say after his computer crashed?
A: Nothing.

Disabled Sea Captain

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"
"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."
"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"
"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber."
"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"
"Seagull droppings," says the Captain.
"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."
"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

Helen Keller's Ear

Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: Answering the iron.