Calista Flockhart With Dental Floss

Q: What can Calista Flockhart do with dental floss?
A: Hang herself.

Answering Machine - Depressed

Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!) 

This is Susan

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."