Distracted

Sorry if I seem distracted, but my neighbor was murdered in a horribly violent sex attack.
And I don't know what to do with the body.
 

The Miracle of Christmas

I think the real miracle of Christmas is how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!

Phone a Friend

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"