Dear Ann Dilemma

Dear Ann,
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Oscar's Drinking Game

Q: How do you play the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
A: Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.

Gay Man's Last Fun

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.
He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body. ''Well," she said, ''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish." And it was done.
The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body. She said, "Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."
The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question. "What would you like to do with his body?" The gay man reesponded, "Well, my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well, the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner, throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"