I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Henry VIII

Q: Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
A: He liked to chop and change!

Sky Divers' Wishes

Three sky divers were diving but their parachutes were faulty and they all died. They went to heaven and there before those three men stood God. "Go down the slide and you will receive one wish. What you wish for is what you get at the end of the slide," boomed God's voice. The first man slid down and said, "SPORTS CAR," and sure enough there was a sports car. The second man went down and said, "MONEY," and he received money. The third man jumped down the slide and said, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"