Husband Prognosis

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband.
He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.
When the wife came out, the husband asked her, "so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?" And the wife said, "Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to die."

Answering Machine - Depressed

Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!) 

Gary Condit's Autopsy

Gary Condit is found dead with a smile on his face. Police investigators find his scorched body and determine he had been struck by lightning. "Why's he smiling?" one officer asks. The other replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."