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Dark Humor Jokes
Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families
"Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"
"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."
"If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."
"Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"
"Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"
"Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."
"Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"
"If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"
"Don't make me put you back in the womb!"
"As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!"
"You just wait til your father gets paroled!"
"Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."
"Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"
and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families... "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"
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Daddy, When Will I Get One?
A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower. It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says..... "Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?" The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks.... "When your mommy goes to the mall!"
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Three Convicts and their Pastimes
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these!" The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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