I Kicked Her In The Face

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

How many does it take?

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "What do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "So how many does it take?"

Irish Test Tube Baby

A man walked into a bar and says, "my daughter just had the first Irish test tube baby." He says, "it was a girl and she was conceived in a bottle of Guinness."
The bartender says, "what does the baby look like?"
The man says, "she is dark, thin, and has a good head on her!"