Pulled Over, Too Drunk

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road. "Get out of the car, please." "But I'm not drunk, officer!" "Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway." "Fine," says the man and gets out of the car. "Okay, now walk this white line." The man looks at the line. "Which one of them do I walk on?"

A Man Had Been Drinking for Hours

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk shouted, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Puzzled Doctor

The Doctor was puzzled, "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be the drink. " "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."