Your Father is Drunk

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk. He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks, Daddy's home and boy is he drunk, He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track. Sooooooo.... You better not pout, you better not cry, I don't like that look in his eye, Daddy's home and I think he's... Daddy's home and boy is he... Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

Motorist Stopped By Police

Q: A policeman stops a motorist and asks, "Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking?"
A: The motorist says, "Why -- do I got an ugly girl next to me?"

Drunk Man Finding Jesus

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and coughing. "Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"