Motorist Stopped By Police

Q: A policeman stops a motorist and asks, "Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking?"
A: The motorist says, "Why -- do I got an ugly girl next to me?"

Drunk Man Finding Jesus

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and coughing. "Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

Drunk Driver's License

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"