Top 12 Ways to go to Jail

Drink too much this holiday?  Here are the top 12 things NOT to say if pulled over:
12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
11. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin' Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
8. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
7. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
4. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
3. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
1. Hold my beer, watch this...

Drink To Forget

Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

You're Violent

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"