Whose Turn Is It?

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL," and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

First Time At A Gay Bar

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"