Puns Galore

• We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.
• My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
• A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.
• A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back."
• Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.
• A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks: "Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"
• Perforation is a rip-off!
• A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded. And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff...Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job. And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.
• Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

Penguin Car Problems

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don't have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.

Serving Bears at Bars

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars." The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there." The bartender says, "Go ahead." So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs." "What do mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs." "Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate."