A man walks into a bar and has a couple of Miller Lites. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a Fat Tire and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink a double shot of Crown when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
Two Irish Men in A bar
There were two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went.
Guy 1: Yah.. I'm originally from Dublin, Ireland
Guy 2: Really?! Me too!
Guy 1: I went to O'Malley high school.
Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?
Guy 1: 1988!
Guy 2: Same here!
A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didn't know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew each other. The bar tender replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."
Drunks in a Cemetary
A drunk staggered into a cemetery on Halloween night and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here," said the one in the grave, "I'm cold." The other one looked over the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you."
Your Mom is the Best in Town
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"