Marriage Advice

My marriage counselor said, "When your wife annoys you, go to your happy place." I replied, "That'll make things worse. She hates when I go to the bar."

The Duck in the Bar

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.
The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes."
"Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."
The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down.
"Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."
The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"
The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."
The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!"
"Got any nails?"
"OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? A HARDWARE STORE?"
"Good, got any grapes?"

What Have You Done

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"