Mop Face Fight

I got in a bar fight one time with a big tough guy who said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

The Hospital Tests and the Drunk

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests and one of the last tests, makes his stomach upset.  After making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided to ignore the latest and ended up He completely filling his bed with human waste and felt embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. So, losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital and the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms, drawing the attention of the security guard.  The security guard yells, "What's going on?!?"
To which the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Grasshopper Walks Into a Bar

So this grasshopper walks into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says "Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!".  The grasshopper says "Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!"