Totally Truthful

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Ugly Woman

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman with a parrot on her shoulder.
The woman looks over at the guy and says, "If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."
The guy says: "An alligator?"
The woman replies: "Close enough!"

Payment for Killing Birds

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. ''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' ''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''