Shark Week - No Swimming

Little boy to mother: “Mommy, can I go swimming?”
Mother: “Certainly not. The sea’s too rough, there’s a terrible rip tide and a dangerous offshore current, and I’ve heard this coast is infested with jellyfish and sharks.”
Little boy: “But Daddy went swimming!”
Mother: “I know, but he has excellent life insurance.”

Service Dogs

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing- eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, What the hell, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Born Again

A man finds his dog with a dead rabbit in its mouth. He realizes that the rabbit is a pet of his next-door neighbor. In a panic he cleans the rabbit up and sneaks it into its cage, hoping his neighbor will think their pet died of natural causes. Next day he spots his neighbor digging a hole in the flower beds and goes over to investigate. “What are you doing?” asks the man. “Burying my rabbit again,” replies the neighbor. “There sure are some sick people around here. The rabbit dropped dead on Monday, I buried it on Tuesday, and on Wednesday some bastard dug it up, gave it a wash , and stuck it back in its cage.”