Three Little Pigs Remixed

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the bricks pigs' house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down." So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up.
Out step three pigs named Louie, Vito, and Dominic. These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living heck out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired. Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins from North Jersey -- the Guinea Pigs."

Mouse Tail Gunner

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot... Tail gunner to pilot.." The eagle says "what do you want?" The mouse asks how high up they are. The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft." The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??"

You Might Be A Redneck 56

You might be a redneck if...

• The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
• You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
• You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
• You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
• You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
• You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
• Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
• Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
• You have to stop a leak in your flat-bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
• You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.