Shooting the Shit

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.
The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want beer!"
The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of beer. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out, leaving everyone in the bar in shock 
Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.
He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, "Me want beer!"
The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here. What was that all about, anyway?" he asked.
The Indian explained, "Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind."

Stupid Rednecks

A ventriloquist working down south, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us rednecks being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

Opposites

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?