Locked Out

Locked my keys in the car outside an abortion clinic. They weren't impressed when I went in and asked if they had a coat hanger.

Signs He's a Bad Chiropractor

From Late Show with David Letterman:
Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor
10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
9. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
8. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?"
7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh."
6. There's a two drink minimum.
5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
2. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else.
1. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

What a Workout!

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.