Try To Grow Chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks."That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again.
"I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied.
"If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.
"Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Not Raising Hogs

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain. Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours,
Jean Partridge

Pigs for Breeding

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window. "Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?" "What do you mean?" asked the farmer. "One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."