IRS Auditor Gets a Heart Transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.  "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors, "we're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax auditor and want to find a suitable stone!"

Ponder These

• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
• Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
• Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
• Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
• What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
• Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Additional Business One-Liners

• Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average. 
• Enough research will tend to support your theory.
• Entropy has us outnumbered.
• Error is often more earnest than truth. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
• Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.
• Even paranoids have enemies.
• Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
• Every solution breeds new problems.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.