Crushed Nuts?

An older man hobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking, since he is hunched over. He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please." The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?" The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

ZipperGate Update

In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources, close to the investigation, report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony, beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.

Taking Measures

"Mom, I'm pregnant." "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" "That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."