Top 10 Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
Concert is Not the Real Woodstock
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Tyson's Excuses!

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear:

1. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off".
2. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos".
3. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters.
4. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
5. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith.
6. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy".
7. Ears are tasty.
8. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!
9. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring".
10. He ran out of gum.

Tops Reasons It's Great to be Canadian

It beats being an American.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
Own-an-eskimo scheme.