Bad Things To Include in Your Resume

1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.

Top Ten April Fool's Pranks

10. Put sugar into the salt shaker.
9. Text your friends - tell them you lost your phone and ask them to call you.
8. Replace the contents of the hand-sanitizer with KY lubricant.
7. Saran wrap the toilet bowel. (oldie but goodie)
6. Use a rubber-band to close the lever on the kitchen sink sprayer. The next person to use the sink will get a surprise.
5. Print out a fun message and tape it to the bottom of your victim's coffee cup
4. Fill glazed donuts with mayonnaise. Leave them out in the break room.
3. Take an empty paper towel roll. Get it wet, tear it up and squeeze it back together into the shape of a turd. Place appropriately.
2. Cut out a post-it note that fits under your victim's mouse.  Add appropriate message.
1.  Find a co-conspirator. Connect an extension cord to a desk or floor lamp. Have your partner stand ready to plug it in and out nearby. Bring the victim into the room to show them your new voice-activated light. Make up a silly word that you use to turn on the light: "Ah Cheto On". Explain that it there are still some bugs - sometimes you have to say the activation word loudly to make it work. Let your victim try it and be amazed. Encourage your victim to demonstrate your new voice activated light to the boss - watch them start yelling the activation word with no success.

Pet Resolutions

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!