Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog

Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog:
10. There's potpourri hanging from your pooch's collar.
9. The dog's nails have been trimmed with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Top-ten Least Popular Self-help Books

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

Top 10 Ways to Confuse Santa Clause on Christmas

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas
10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!
9. While Santa's in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!
8. While Santa's in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!
7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well? They always return to the scene of the crime"
4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.
3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.
2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!
1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!"