Enterprise Lightbulb Change

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends. 

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Try to reproduce it. Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it. Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Ask for a dump. Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it. Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it. Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Change the documentation, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Say it's not supported, Change the documentation, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me, Tell them it's a feature, Say it's not supported, Change the documentation, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

Technology Support

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded.
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer.
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again.
Customer: I need a new power supply.
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.