Colonoscopy

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco. Allegedly, there are many female Gastroenterologists and they are much more gentle. 
As I lay naked on my side on the table, a beautiful doctor began my procedure. She told me, "Now don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection."
"I don't have an erection," I replied.
"I do." replied the doctor.
Note to self:  Never get another colonoscopy in San Francisco.

Alien Laws

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Californian. "It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.
Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Walmart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Californian. "Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

Call from Hell

Three guys die and go to hell.  One is from Texas, one from Florida and one from California. The devil tells them that they each get one phone call back to earth but it may be very expensive. The Texan calls his pastor in Dallas and speaks with him for 15 minutes. The devil tells him it will cost three million dollars. The Texan promptly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he's back in Texas. The guy from Florida takes the phone and calls his Minister, speaks for 30 minutes and the devil tells him the cost is six million dollars. The Floridian quickly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he is back in Florida. Finally, the guy from California gets his turn with the phone and calls a social worker.  He talks for nearly 4 hours and when finished the devil says it will cost him just four dollars.  The guy from California smirks at the great deal he got but can't help asking why.  The devil said that Governor Newsom's liberal policies made California a living hell, so the call was local.