Tiger Drives

The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving
is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.

30 Year Bliss

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you." The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"

Hit Man

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.
"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.""No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag." The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living." "Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before." "Still want me to play?" said the other. "Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"
The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her." The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet," said the man. The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it." "Which one?" said the hit man. "Both," said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know." "I don't care, hit 'em both."
The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "Blow his nuts off" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway." "Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."