I'm Glad I'm A Woman

• I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
• I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
• I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
• I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
• I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
• And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
• I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
• My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
• And I don't go around "re adjusting" my crotch
• Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
• I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
• I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
• I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
• I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
• It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
• When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
• And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
• I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
• Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
• I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
• And I honestly think its a privilege for me
• To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
• I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
• I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
• I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
• Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
• Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
• Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
• Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
• You can forget all about that old penis envy
• I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
• Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
• I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
• I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Brand New Drugs on the Market

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society:

• DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
• PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
• CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
• COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. * Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
• BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
• NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on former U.S. president, Bill Clinton.
• NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
• FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
• FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
• PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors".
• LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Bonds and Men

Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.