Husbands and Lawn Mowers

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A:  They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

Cool Stud!

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be." "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy. "I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

Things Men Don't Say

• Let's watch Lifetime.
• Sex is overrated.
• I don't want to go too far on the first date.
• Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.
• Don't we owe your mother a visit?
• I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.
• Dessert goes right to my hips.
• I hate when I miss Oprah.
• Does this suit make me look fat?
• I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.