Facts of Life

• Women love to talk on the phone.
• A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
• Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
• Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
• PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
• The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
• Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
• 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
• Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
• All women are overweight by definition don't agree with them about it.
• Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
• If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
• Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
• All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
• If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
• Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
• Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
• Men can never catch women checking out other men women will always catch men checking out other women.

The Poo List!

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

Female Parachutists

Q: Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.