Patenting A Peach

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says "you can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!" And the farmer says,
"Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!" So the patent officer takes a bite, and says
"oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like- blackberry pie!" And the farmer says
"Yeah, and Do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side". So the patent officer does and he's like
"Man! that really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!" So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says:
"Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?"
"Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!"
"And you like it, right?"
"Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy" says the patent officer, starting to get excited.The farmer says,
"OK, then take a bite, right there" So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.
"Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT!" & the farmer says
"shoot,...I'm sorry- flip it over & try the other side!"

Monica Testifying

Q: How did we know that Monica would testify?
A: Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.

University Courses For Women

Etiquette and Behavior:

• EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
• EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
• EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
• EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
• EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
• EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
• EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:

• GE101: You, The Whining Sex
• GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
• GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
• GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
• GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:

• HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
• HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
• HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
• HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
• HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
• HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
• HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
• HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
• HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
• HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:

• IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
• IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
• IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
• IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
• IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:

• LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
• LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
• LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
• LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
• LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
• LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
• LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
• LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
• LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
• LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
• LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
• LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
• LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:

• SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
• SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
• SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep
• Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
• SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
• SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
• SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
• SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
• SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)