Sex Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.  We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Little Suzie goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Suzie waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Suzie, what is your multi-syllable word?" Suzie says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Suzie, that's a mouthful." Suzie replies, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Her mom fainted.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.  First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. 

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him.  You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.  

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.  When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first one asked,"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"