A Henpecked Husband

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Men Are Like 2

Men are like

• ...Place-mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
• ...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• ...Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
• ...Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
• ...Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it.
• ...Lava lamps. Fun to look at it but not all that bright.
• ...Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
• ...High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
• ...Curling irons. They're always hot and always in your hair.
• ...Mini skirts. If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
• ...Handguns. Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
• ...Floor tiles. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
• ...Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
• ...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Snoring Solutions

This lady goes to a vet and learns that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog's penis he'll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's penis, and he stops snoring. The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself. "I don't know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."