Monk Scrolls

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls. "You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?" "Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees. "What? What does it say?" "Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

New Church Members

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a bagel and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!" "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!" "That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from Starbucks too."

Three Wise Men

In a small southern town there was a beautiful Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. Yet one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation,  I left.
At a local gas station on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!"  I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.  She jerked her Bible from behind the counter, ruffled through some pages and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said  "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"