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Religion Jokes - Jewish Jokes
Jesus Has Risen
Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar. The catholic florist charges $300. "Too expensive" moans the priest. The protestant florist charged $250, "No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." However, Solly Goldberg charges $75! Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract. On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded. When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription: "Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."
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The Test
The Emperor of Japan advertises for a new bodyguard. Three swordsmen apply: one is Japanese, one is Chinese, and one is Jewish. To test him, the Emperor lets a fly loose in the room and tells the Chinese swordsman to kill it. The swordsman sweeps down his blade and chops the fly in two. The Japanese swordsman is given the same test. He swings his sword twice and manages to cut the fly into quarters before it hits the ground. The Jewish swordsman is then given a fly. He chases it around the room, swings his sword a few times, then sits down with the fly buzzing around his head. “Why have you stopped?” asks the Emperor. “The fly is still alive. ”“Yes,” replies the Jewish swordsman. “But now it’s circumcised.”
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The Rabbi's Advice
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11".
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